Five stages
by writingfanfics1432
Summary: Based around the five stages of grief and how one man is going to cope with his loss.
1. Denial

Denial

It had been two weeks since the accident. Two weeks since I felt my world was torn upside down. I was sat here now on the bed I shared with him, our dog; who knew something was wrong was lying on his side of the bed. I was putting my black dress shoes, my mind blank as my hands naturally did the work to tie the laces. I looked down at my pale hands, rubbing my thumb on the gold ring he gave me. How was I supposed to get through this? The apartment bell rang.

"Coming," I whispered under my breath, knowing no one would here me as I stood up. I made my way to the door, picking up my keys and wallet on the way.

I reached the ground floor and was greeted by Yakov. He appointed himself as the driver to drive all the skaters to the service. My own family couldn't make it so I was facing this alone.

My mind was blank the whole service. Nothing entered my brain until I heard my name was being called. I promised him I would say a few words. I removed myself from the seat and made my way the stand at the front.

"I remember him telling me once _'even if I'm not here, I'll always be with you in spirit'._ I didn't know his words would mean so much to me now. Victor Nikiforov was a great man; an idol to many, friends to a few and most importantly my husband. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Victor, and I most definitely wouldn't be the person I am today without him by my side. He taught me what love is, and for that, I'm stronger for it," I took a breath, I couldn't hold them back anymore as the tears started to flow down my face. "Oh I'm- I'm so sorry." I couldn't help it. I just left the stand and left the service, crying my eyes out as I ran as fast as I could.

 _This can't be happening_ I thought to myself. _How could this of happened? This shouldn't have happened!_

I found myself still running with tears down my face; I don't know where I was headed but it felt like I was running from a secret past I was hiding. Ten minutes of my mind being a blur I ended up at a beach. Thankfully no one was there because as soon as my feet hit the sand all I could do was let out a scream. My knees gave in as collapsed to the sand with my head in my hands.

" _Hello?"_

"Hi Mom, it's Yuri."

" _Yuri, why aren't you at the funeral? Has it ended already?"_

"No, I uh- I just left. I couldn't handle it. I'm- I'm sorry."

" _Yuri, listen I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there with you. But remember, I'm so proud of you because not everyone would be able to handle what you're going through right now. Victor would be proud as well."_

"Thanks, Mom * _sniff*_ I'll let you get back, I know how busy things can get."

" _Yuri, sweetie, don't be silly. I know you're going through a hard time right now. So call me whenever you want- I don't care what time or day, just call me. I love you."_

"I love you too Mom." I hanged up the phone and sat there on the damp sand. It was getting quite chilly as the day was nearing an end, the sun was starting to set against the ocean. _Viktor loved coming here._ "I guess I should start making my way back."

I started to walk back to the grounds where Victor would be getting buried. Slowly, but eventually, I made it there.

When I arrived, only Yurio was left, standing next to the newly placed headstone.

"Hey pork cutlet," he quietly said to me as he saw me walking over. "You know, I wish I got to tell him how much I looked up to him. We'd been training at the same rink for so long together, I guess I never got to appreciate as much."

"I'm sure he knew Yuri, he may have acted a bit silly at times, but he understood," I was shocked at Yurio's response; he turned on heels and pulled me into a hug, his head buried in my chest. I instinctively wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer.

"It's OK Yuri."

I got back to our apartment around 10:30 pm after making sure Yurio got home OK. Even though Makkachin greeted me when I walked through the door; the apartment never felt so empty. Before now if I had come home, Victor was always there to greet me; with his big cheesy smile and sometimes messy hair, he would embrace me into a kiss before I had a chance to remove my coat. I was going to miss that.

I didn't bother eating that evening- a matter of fact I couldn't remember the last time I ate but I didn't really care either. I just got myself to bed, Makkachin following me around like a little-lost sheep. I couldn't blame him, he doesn't understand the Victor was never coming home; Makkachin and myself both think he's going to walk through the door any moment. I guess we're both just in denial.

* * *

A/N

I'm going to continue this whether people read it or not. If you're reading my fanfic Ice Memories I will be continuing that, but I'm at a bit of writers block so going to work on some other things for a bit.


	2. Anger

Anger

I woke up every morning with the burning desire to punch a wall; I always ended screaming into a pillow though with Makka, laying next to me- watching my every move.

"Sorry boy," I whispered to the poodle as I rolled on my side and stroked his ear. I saw the clock on his side of the bed reading 11:00 am. "Suppose we better get up then." Rubbing my red eyes from the previous night of crying, I reached and put on my glasses, sitting up straight in the process.

I didn't feel like eating again that morning. I hadn't really eaten since the day after the funeral; I probably ate my body weight in junk food that day. Eating my feelings- which I was quite good at.  
Slumping my way through the kitchen, I managed to down a glass of water, when the buzzer rang. Probably Yurio. I didn't bother speaking, just letting whoever was at the door up.

"Hey pork cutlet," the young skater said to me as he walked through the door. Victor and I had given him a key a while back, just in case we were ever back in Japan visiting my family.

"Hey Yuri," I mumbled.

"My Grandpa and I made you some pork cutlet piroshki, I assume you haven't eaten properly," he made his way to the kitchen with his hood over his head, placing the plastic containers on the counter. "Why don't you come to practice today? I know everyone at the rink misses you."

"No, no it's fine. I've decided anyway- that I, uh um- not going to skate anymore." I had the force those words out of my mouth. Yurio's bright green eyes sharpened on me.

"Why would you say something like that? Why would you come to that decision? Do you think Victor would want you to do that?!" He was getting angry with every passing word, spite leaving his mouth.

"Do think it was an easy decision for me to make? Do you really think I want to carry on doing what I love if I can't share it with Victor?! What's the point and you don't know what I'm going through, you don't know how I feel!" I slammed my hand against the wall, I didn't realise I was shouting until Makkachin scurried away back into the bedroom.

"You think you're the only one hurting huh? Tell that to all the skaters at the rink, or Yakov, or all the people that looked up to him!" I was used to seeing Yurio get angry before, but not like this. This was different. He was emotionally angry this time. "Tell that to Makkachin."

That hurt. Bringing up Makkachin like that? How would Victor feel if he had seen me acting like this? I didn't have anything else to say to Yurio, I just went back to bed. Shortly after I heard the door shut, Makka's feet pattering his way around the apartment. I had to make sure I took him out today.

Later that evening, around 9:00 pm, Makkachin and I left for our walk. This was my usual routine, it normally happened a couple of times a week when I took Makka out- most of the time I would just end up running and collapsing, then I would make my way back home. Tonight, though, I didn't feel like it. Makka and I ended up walking a few miles. I had hoped this might have calmed me down a bit but the anger I felt still tried to bubble its way to the surface.

"Damn it," I huffed. I just wanted this feeling to end, I wanted to feel like this was all a big dream and I would wake back up with Victor by my side. Before I knew it I was crying again.

 _Victor_

It kind of just happened but I ended up punching a wall in our apartment when we got back, a small graze on my knuckle, I could already see the bruising appearing. I don't know how I got the strength to do it, though, but it helped a little.

I ran myself a hot bath, I'm not sure why because I think the clock read midnight when I checked, but either way I thought this might help. Entering the tub, my cold body stang has it his the hot water. I didn't realise I was so cold, but still, I sunk further into the water, my hand stinging at the same time. I'm not sure how it was going to do it, but, I was determined this feeling would pass. Somehow


	3. Bargaining

Bargaining

I promised myself I wouldn't drink after what happened at the banquet that year. But now I found myself buying alcohol at the nearby shop while taking Makkachin for his walk; it was a Tuesday, I think, the weather was chilly and it was late at night. The shop was 24/7, it smelled weird and the owner looked like he would kill someone for looking at him the wrong way. I was in and out in a hurry. That night, I drank the whole bottle of Vodka to myself.

The apartment buzzer woke me up the next morning. After last night- it was too early for this.

"Mm, hello?" I slurred down the phone.

 _"Hello, is that Mr Katsuki? I'm Victor Nikiforov's solicitor,"_

Solicitor? I didn't know Victor had a solicitor.

"Sure, come on up," I answered. I quickly put a pair of jeans on and what I thought was a clean T-Shirt from the floor. The door quickly knocked, so I made my way the answer it.

"Hello Mr Katsuki, my names Nikolai Pavlov and I'm here on behalf of Victor Nikiforov. Before his passing, he contacted me to discuss a few things. That's why I am here today."

"Oh right, Ok. Then please come in, take a seat. Sorry about the mess," I replied, showing him the sitting area. "I didn't realise Victor had contacted you, he didn't say anything to me."

"Well, Victor was very forward about his wishes. He didn't want anyone to know until he passed. So here I am," Nikolai said. He sat back, placing his black briefcase on the coffee table and opening it up. He brushed the brown hair from his eyes. "Shall we begin?" I just gave a little smile and nodded.

"First, Victor wanted me to give you this letter," he handed me a white envelope with my name written in Victor's handwriting. "Victor didn't have any close relatives, so he made it clear to me what was to happen to his assets, savings and personal belongings. Firstly, personal belongings. Victor has wished that all his medals, trophies and his skates to be given to Yakov to put at the ice rink. He said that he wanted everyone to remember him and his achievements."

 _Typical Victor._ I thought to myself.

"His other personal belongings, he made it clear that he wanted you specifically to sort them out. Give things to charity, give to the skaters at the rink and his extended family. But the poodle, Makkachin; you have to keep him and only you Mr Katsuki," I nodded and agreed. My brain was still trying to take all this in, I didn't want to give up Victors things.

"His assets; I'm not sure if you were aware Mr Katsuki but Victor only recently paid off the mortgage on this apartment, he owned a property in France which he used to do so. He's left the apartment to you and Makkachin- his words."

 _I didn't know Victor had a place in France._

"Mr Katsuki, Victor has left all his savings to you. To be exact he has left 88.6m Ruble. Which is approximately 1.4 million US dollars." I felt my eyes widen at the amount of money.

"Excuse me? I knew Victor had money, but we never discussed finances. Are you sure that's correct?"

"I'm absolutely positive Mr Katsuki; here's the cheque for you to deposit." I took the rectangular piece of paper of the brown haired man, the cheque was definitely made out to me, written in Victor's handwriting.

"Tha-thanks," I whispered. "Was there anything else?"

"There was one more item, he told me to give you this," looking through his briefcase, he pulled out a gold ring.

"Victor's wedding ring? I thought he got buried with it," he placed to gold ring in my hand, I just stared at it.

"That's all Mr Katsuki, thank you for your time, I'll let myself out." My head just nodded naturally.

 _What the hell just happened? I can't believe he would do this to me. How could he leave me like this, then leave me everything?_

"I need a shower," I said aloud. I needed time to think.

* * *

That evening I gave Yurio a call to see if he could come over and watch Makkachin for a bit.

"Thank you, Yuri," I said to the young boy as he entered my apartment.

"No problem pork cutlet, take as long as you need," Yurio gave Makkachin a pat on the head and made himself comfortable on the sofa.

"I'll be back soon," I left the apartment, grabbing my wallet and keys on the way out. I didn't know what my plan was but I was back at that dive of a shop before I knew it.

"Hey Mom, sorry, I know it's early," I slurred down the phone.

 _"Yuri? Sweetie, have you been drinking again?"_

This wasn't the first time I rang Mom up drunk, the last time, I think was last week. But this time- this time was different.

"Mom, I-I don't know how I'm supposed to do this anymore, I- I can't do this, I can't be without him, Mom," the words slurred from my mouth, I tried hard to hold back the tears brewing in my eyes, I didn't want my Mother to hear me cry again.

 _"Yuri, please listen to me. You will get through this, I promise. I know these moments feels like your heart is ripping from your chest and that your world is ending, but it will be OK. Why don't you come back home for a while? So you're not by yourself? Especially the state you're in,"_ Mom replied, in her soothing voice.

Many thoughts raced through my head, but only one scared me the most.

"Mom, I love you so much, tell Dad and Mari the same. Goodbye." I hanged up on her. I started running like a usually did, I kept running until I was at one of the bridges that connected Russia.

"Victor, I hope you can hear me because I want you to know I would swap my life for yours in a heartbeat. I want to take your place Victor, please. Please, please, please take everything I own so I can be with Victor again," I whispered to myself, hoping some higher being would hear my cries. I stood up on the railings of the bridge. "Victor," I whispered.

I began to remove my jacket when something fell from my pocket. It was Victor's ring and letter to me.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **I hope you're enjoying reading this. I'm going through grief at the moment so I feel like I need to vent it out somehow.**


	4. My Dearest Yuri

_My Dearest Yuri,_

 _If you are reading this, then I'm so sorry I have left you. Please remember none of this was your fault, I'm the only one responsible for my actions that night- not yours. So please, don't ever blame yourself._

 _Yuri, I just wanted to say- thank you. Thank you so much for dancing with me that night at the banquet, thank you for letting me be your coach and thank you so much for agreeing to marry me. And most importantly, thank you for showing me what life and love were again._

 _I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you, Yuri. You're my best friend, my soulmate and you have taught me so much. You showed me what it was like to have a family and what it was like to have people around who cared for you._

 _I was thinking just the other day about our wedding day. You were so nervous when I saw you walking down the aisle, but you carried on smiling through the nerves. Then, when it came to our first dance, we were both all over the place because we were so nervous. Like, were figure skaters for goodness sake and we both danced like we had two left feet. I'll never forget that. Then our wedding night, you were the most anxious I had ever seen you, but we made the night special didn't we? I hope you never forget._

 _You're also probably wondering why I never told you about my place in France. The truth was I was going to sell it anyway to pay off the mortgage on the apartment, so we could sell that place and buy a house together. I even got round to talking to a few realtors. I wanted to surprise you like I always do. Oh! And the money. Yeah, well you knew I had money, but you never asked did you? But the money I am leaving you, please do something good with it. That's all I can ask. Do what makes you happy Yuri as I know you're going to be hurting by now, but I know you'll get through it._

 _Well, I'm sorry this letter isn't longer Yuri, but the pain is kicking in again. I'm going to go soon, I can feel it happening. I tried Yuri, I really did try for you. To stay. But it's obviously not going to happen._

 _You made me the happiest person alive. I love you so much, please don't forget that._

 _Stay safe and look after Makkachin for me won't you?_

 _I love you always,_

 _Victor_

 _xxx_


	5. Depression

Depression

Victor Nikiforov has saved me a total of three times, from the time he became my coach and even after he died he was still saving me. He saved me when I didn't know what the future had in store for me and when I really needed someone. He was there. Then the day of the accident. He saved me. Then the night I was going to kill myself, I read his letter; he saved me again. I guess that's why I'm here now. Even though Victor isn't with me anymore, I owe him my life. I owe him everything.

I had gone back home to Hasetsu after that night, bringing Makkachin along with me so my family could help look after him. My Mom was so worried about me when I saw her, she hugged me for a whole ten minutes. I really needed that. I just broke down in her arms. That night, though, she made Pork Cutlet Bowls for me and the whole family as like a "welcome home", I was grateful, but my appetite wouldn't allow me to eat anything.

It's been a month since I came home. I haven't left the hot springs once and barely even left my room. I found myself just looking through my old posters of Victor, remembering the time I used to look up to him instead of him being my husband. I wish that was still the case. At least Victor would still be here. I was still mourning every day over his lost and found it hard to concentrate on anything. I hadn't even stepped onto an ice rink since that day. I think the worse part was; I didn't even miss it.

"Yuri?" My mother called from the other side of my door.

"Come in," I called out. She entered quietly, carrying a tray of food; I couldn't quite make out what it was from my position but she placed it onto my desk, picking up the tray from this morning in the process.

"Yuri, sweetie. I was thinking, maybe you and I could take Makka for a walk this afternoon? It is a beautiful day out, we should make the most of the weather before autumn hits." I just shrugged my shoulders, looking down at my posters.

"No, it's fine, thanks, Mom. You go without me. I'm just going to go back to bed- I didn't get a lot of sleep," I replied.

I could feel my Mom get agitated. I know this was hard for her; to see me like this, but I needed this. I need to be alone right now.

"Yuri, listen to me; you've been in this godforsaken room for a month. Everybody is worried about you. We all know you are hurting right now and that's fine, but you're hurting us as well. Stop making your family worried. Please," I looked up her; tears brewing from her eyes.

"Please just go," I pleaded. My Mom wasn't the one to cause a scene, so she left just as quietly as when she first came in. Every part of my body was telling me to go after her- hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok. But my mind had other ideas. My mind forced me to stay to put- which I didn't put up a fight.

* * *

I woke up that evening with the sound of my bedroom door swinging open. I jumped up in my bed, scurrying around, looking for my glasses.

"Mari?" I was confused, seeing her standing there- in front of my bed. She didn't say anything. She just grabbed me and pulled me from my bed, dragging me from my room. "Mari what are doing?! Let go of me!" I squirmed, trying to release myself from her grip, but she was stronger than me. She dragged me to outside our parent's bedroom. The room where I could hear the soft cries from our mother, and soft words spoken from our father, trying to comfort her.

"See what you're doing to them? The way you're acting, it's selfish Yuri. You're to blame for them being upset, for Mom crying every night because she's afraid she's going to lose you," Mari lectured. "Do the right thing and pull yourself together. I know you're better than this." I just looked at her, gulping, trying to hold back the tears. I took a deep breath and nodded. I felt like a child getting punished, stood here in front of my elder. I was shocked when she pulled me into a hug. Mari wasn't a hugger. I squeezed her back just as tight. "Now go and have a bath; you stink. And hurry because we're going out."

I didn't need to say anything, Mari understood me, like the good sister she's always been. I walked to our bathroom and showered, entering the tub afterwards. It felt good. I really needed this.

Mari ended up taking me to Minako's bar. Not that I wasn't grateful for her trying to help but Minako isn't the kind of person who's good a pep talking- much like Victor.

"Yuri, it's been a while," she waved as we entered the place.

"Yeah, you're right. You know how it is, though," I replied nervously.

"We'll take a seat; what can I get you both?"

Mari ordered for the both of us; I wasn't really in the mood for talking, so just sat back and watched the two women talk. Minako understood, though.

"Hey, listen, Yuri, I know it's hard right now. But you can get through this; you're a strong person and you know that " Minako gestured to me. I just politely nodded in return.

"Are we going home yet?" I asked my stubborn sister.

"One more place; then we can go. Promise." I huffed but didn't have the energy to fight. The last stop on her list was Ice Castle. Great.

"Why'd you bring me here?"

"It was Yuuko's idea actually. She misses you," Mari replied, cigarette in hand. Before entering the building, Mari told me she would be going home. And left me to face the music of Yuuko.

"Yuuko?" I called out entering the building. She didn't seem to be at the front desk, so I took it upon myself to go looking for her; since it was her idea for me to come.

"Hello?" I called, entering the locker room. Still no sign. I ended up hearing the sound of blades on the cold ice; I instinctively followed the sound; like a mother hearing the cries of her infant. I wasn't really expected to see Yuuko on the ice. Since having the triplets and running the ice rink she didn't have a lot of time to skate, which was a shame because she was incredible.

"Hey Yuuk-," I stopped myself from saying the rest. I recognise those moves. She was skating my program, Yuri on ice. The program which Victor and I put together. I didn't interrupt her, instead of letting her finish; I was too mesmerised by the way she moved, she performed every jump and step sequence perfectly. Like I did at the Grand Prix Final. She skated it incredibly well.

The performance soon came to an end. "Oh, Yuri! I didn't see you there," Yuuko called out to me.

"Oh sorry, I was just watching you skate. That was really good Yuuko, every step was perfect. But why?" I asked humbly.

"Well I thought, I haven't seen you in like forever and I missed when we used to copy routines. So I thought since you weren't here… I would just copy yours instead. You don't mind, do you? I know how important this routine is to you.." She replied, twirling her slim fingers around each other as if she was about to be scolded.

I gave a little smile of reassurance. "It's fine- honestly. It was nice to see my program again. And to see it performed so well, it's cheered me up a little."

"Oh, you really think it was done well? I've been practising it every chance I got. I'm glad I did it justice." Yuuko skated over to the wall next to me, holding my hand as she talked to me. "You know, I think I got a pair skates that will fit you. I'm guessing you didn't bring yours?"

My smile turned to a frown. I guess she didn't know I gave up skating since Victor had passed. "Actually Yuuko- I don't skate anymore. I don't want to skate anymore," I answered honestly.

"What? How could you say that? Yuri, you love skating! Do you think Victor would've wanted you to stop?" Yuuko voice was harsh, she knew what she was doing when she let go of my hand suddenly.

"It's not like I made the decision overnight you know. It took me forever to make up my mind. It reminds me too much of Victor. I can't do it without him. I thought you of all people would understand."

Yuuko grabbed me tight with both arms wrapped around me. "Listen, I know this is hard for you, but skating; skating is your whole life. Skating was here way before Victor and will carry on being here when you're long gone. Victor wouldn't have wanted this- do you think all those hours of practice he put in with you, he would want to see wasted? No! He would've wanted you to carry on. Carry on winning with everything he taught you so you could teach other people. Please Yuri, just think about it." Yuuko let go of me, giving a little smile. I did listen, I could hear her loud and clear. But there was still a little voice fighting me at the back of my mind.

"I'm going to head off now Yuuko. Thank you. I'll see you soon," I called, leaving the rink. I had a lot to think about.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **So sorry this chapter took so long to write. I have had like no motivation at all but I hope I done this chapter justice.**

 **Also!- One more chapter to go which will either be out tonight (17-02-17) or tomorrow!**

 **Please feel free to review, means a lot to read your feed back :)**


	6. Acceptance

Acceptance

My family persuaded me to start seeing a therapist. I wasn't against the idea entirely, I guess I was just the kind of person would rather not talk about my problems. But, with the persuasion from Minako, Yuuko and Mari, I now found myself sat in the reception of a therapist office.

"Mr Katsuki?" A tall, slender women came from the door opposite me. I decided this was something I was going to do by myself, so I was facing this alone. I emptied the seat, making my way over to the room, greeted by the woman, gesturing me into the room. I took a seat that looked the most appropriate, a modern, black leather chair. The woman- whose name I had already forgotten, sat opposite me, picking up a black folder.

"So Mr Katsuki, what can I do for you today?"

"Well, I guess I'm here mainly because my family wanted me to come," I answered honestly. She gave me a sideways look.

"Well, I think you agreed to come here because you know you needed too. Otherwise, why waste your time?" I was quite shocked, she was straight forward, straight to the point. I wasn't sure if I liked her or not. I fidgeted slightly in my seat before answering.

"I guess you're right. Oh and please, call me Yuri," I was looking down as I answered, twirling my ring around my finger, noticing how easily I twisted within my grip. I had obviously lost weight over the last few months.

"So, where do you want to begin Yuri? Tell me why you're here," she adjusted her seat, putting her right leg over her left knee.

"Well, I suppose I've been really depressed recently. I, uh- my husband passed away a few months ago…" I trailed off, trying hard not to let my therapist see the tears brewing in the corners of my eyes. I still found it hard to even to think about Victor.

"A loved one dying would cause someone to become depressed, it's very common. But why come here? What else is going to make you come here?"

I thought for a moment, trying to fathom my thoughts into a sentence. "I believe if it hadn't been for me, Victor would still be here. I think Victor dying was my fault."

* * *

After spending some time with my family- two months to be exact, I decided I needed to go back to St Petersburg to deal with some things. I left Makkachin with my family, I decided I wasn't going to live in Russia permanently, not without Victor, not in our home that we made for ourselves.

I was greeted at the airport by Yakov- he insisted on picking me up instead of paying money for a taxi. The drive was long and quiet, Yakov wasn't much of a talker when it came to trying to comfort people.

"Thanks for meeting me at the airport Yakov, how've you been anyway?" I spoke quietly but loud enough for him to hear me.

"Been keeping busy really, coaching the skaters. Preparing them for the upcoming events. Yuri is doing well, won his last three competitions."

"Well that would be expected," I let out a little chuckle.

"Yeah, but he's not the same. His programs are flawless, he performs them both with no mistakes. He's like a robot. I guess he just misses having something, someone to drive him in competition, you know? And he misses Victor… And you." I looked up at the older man, a little shocked of his words. Yurio missing Victor I can understand, he's someone everyone would miss. But for me? I mean I knew he liked my skating and all but to miss me? It was a nice feeling.

"Uh, that's surprising. Didn't think he would; miss me that is," I replied.

"Of course his misses you, he loves you, you know? Don't tell him I told you. He really looks up to you Yuri, you're like a big brother to him I suppose." I stayed in silence, taking in Yakov's words. I didn't know I meant so much to him.

We arrived at Victor and I's apartment.

"Thank you so much, Yakov. Do you want to come in for a coffee?" I asked graciously.

"No, you go on ahead. I got to get back to the rink anyway. I'll see you soon Yuri," with that, Yakov drove away, giving a little wave out the window.

It felt so long since last time I was home. The apartment smelt musty, dust floating around, falling to the floor. Light trying to shine through the small gap in the curtains in our living room- which was just as messy as the rest of the place. I guess I left pretty abruptly last time I was here. Vodka bottles on the floor, along with dirty clothes and dishes.

 _I really needed to clean this place up_ I thought to myself.

I started in the kitchen, gathering all the plates, dishes, cutlery and glasses I could find. Then into the living room and eventually finishing in the bedroom. I let out a little phew once I had finished. It took me a total of three hours to go top and bottom of the place. I was glad I finished when I did because the door started buzzing. I didn't get a chance to answer and ask who it was when Yurio walked through the door. I forgot that he had a key.

"Piggy," he said, hands in his pocket and head in his hood.

"Yuri, it's good to see you. It's been a while hasn't it?" I put down the rag in my hand and walked over to the teen. I didn't have much time to think or talk when Yurio pulled me into a hug. This was very out of character for him.

"Yuri-" I tried to talk but Yurio just pulled me tighter, I could feel him shake, I think he began to cry. "Yuri, what's the matter? Why are you crying?" I asked quietly.

"Shut up, I'm not crying. There's something in my eye," he replied, sniffling slightly. I didn't realise that I was smiling. I hugged Yurio tightly, then pushing him off so I could see him.

"Let's go and sit down, looks like you have something to say," I pulled him over to the living room, making him sit down. "Wanna drink?" He shook his head in response. We both sat down on the blue couch, not right next to each other, but not too far apart either.

I didn't know how long we sat in silence before one of us made a sound, felt like an eternity.

"I was so worried about you that night Yuri," the blonde teen blurted out. I blinked, trying to figure out what he was on about. Before I had a chance to ask, he began to talk again. "You were gone for ages you know? Makka knew something was wrong. That's when I decided to come looking for you, I'm so glad I did."

"Yuri, what are you on about? When was this?" I asked confusingly.

"You don't remember? Well, you were really drunk. I can't blame you for not remembering… You'd been drinking a lot that evening. Like I said, I came looking for you. And I found you. I was so scared you know? You were standing on the railing of the bridge, I thou- I thought you were actually going to do it? Jump, kill yourself." Oh right, that night, I remembered. I didn't remember Yuri showing up, though.

"Yuri I'm so, so sorry. For you to have to see me like that. You know I would never do anything to upset you purposely," I tried to explain myself, but no amount of words would make him feel better. Not really.

Yuri didn't have a response. He sat there quietly, head down facing his lap. I didn't know how to comfort him.

"Please, just promise you won't do anything like that again. We've already lost Victor, we can't lose you too Yuri." He spoke quietly and gently. It felt he didn't want to anger me.

"Ok Yuri, I promise. I feel like I'm a lot better now anyway, I've been seeing a therapist- her name's Jun Fujiwara. She's nice, she's been helping me a lot since being back home. That's why I'm back here, I'm going to sell the apartment and move back home."

Yurio didn't seem too impressed, by the look on his face, but he understood. He knew I couldn't stay here, not really. Not when my family's back home in Japan.

Yurio didn't stay much longer after that. He said what he needed to say and left.

I felt weird being in bed that night. The countless times I was here before when I was too hungover to move, or I slept all day because I cried all night. It felt weird because the realisation of Victor's body was no longer going to be pressed against mine. Holding me, with his arms draped over my body. I'm longer going to feel his touch. I was no longer going to be woken up in the morning with the soft kisses he left on my forehead, trying so hard not to wake me- but he always kissed a little too hard, like he had to, to make sure I was real. But I knew deep down I was going to be OK. Victor wouldn't want to see me like this.

The next morning I met with a realtor- thankfully one that spoke English. He came over to the apartment and evaluated the place, I held back the tears. The tears of realisation that I would no longer be living in the apartment I shared with my Victor. But, I knew I was going to be OK.

The realtor wasn't here long, the apartment was small- not a lot of space to look around. He evaluated at the apartment at 12M Rubles, which I think he said worked out to be about 200K in US dollars. I wasn't really paying much attention. Either way, I agreed with the price and he said he would start making an advert for the place and agreed to sell the place while I was back home.

This was really happening. Victor was really gone and I was really moving back to Japan permanently. I knew Victor would want this, for me to be with my family. That's what I was going to do.

I booked my tickets back home for the next day. But before that, I knew I had to say goodbye to the people at the rink. Thank them for everything they did while I was training there.

* * *

"Yuri! It's nice to see you," the redhead called out as I walked through to the rink. "It's been a while."

"Mila, it's nice to see you too. Where is everyone? The rink looks empty," I replied, looking around the rink from the side. She didn't really answer, just gave me an off look. I didn't see the point in questioning it. "I just came to say goodbye to everyone and to thank them. I'm headed back home tomorrow."

"Really? I wish you could've stayed longer, every here as missed you a lot. Yakov included," she replied. I gave a little smile to reassure her. "Hey, grab some skates. Come join me!"

I stared at her- I didn't know if she knew I wasn't skating anymore. That I said I gave that up.

"He doesn't skate anymore Mila." I turned around to see Yuri walking through the rink doors with a bag over his shoulders. "Don't you remember?"

Mila gave a look as if to say _Yeah I know that, but maybe he changed his mind._

"Well, I better be headed off. I hope to see you soon Yuri. Maybe I can convince Yakov to let us all come to Japan to visit," she smiled and exited the rink. She changed her boots quick and left the building soon- I waved her goodbye.

"So, are you skating piggy?" Yuri asked as he tied his laces on his boots.

"No, I'm not. Just came to say goodbye. I'm headed back home tomorrow."

He didn't say anything, just stood up and entered the rink, warming himself up.

"I think you should, Victor would want you too!" He called in a mocking tone from the other side. I knew deep down he was right. But the thought of skating without him, made me feel sick. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Shortly after, Yakov arrived to coach Yuri. He saw me and gave a little head tilt.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, I came by to say goodbye. To you and everyone, you know?" I said to the older man, as wI walked over to him.

"OK Yuri, I'm glad you did. The ice is going miss you. And the ice skating world has lost a great competitor. I don't know what Victor would think of your choice, though." Yakov's words hurt a little, but I couldn't say anything because I knew it was the truth. I knew Victor would be disappointed, but I kept telling myself differently. I kept telling myself this was the right thing to do.

* * *

The music started to play in my ears and I started with it; as if I'd never stopped skating. My jumps and quads were sloppy, but I didn't care. I didn't care how this looked. No one was watching me. It was just me and the ice. Every turn, every jump, quad and flip; I put my soul into. As if my life depended on it, I knew he would be watching me. I panted, trying to catch my breath. The next part of the song; Victor would normally join me. And he did in a way. I felt him there, his presence. I skated as if this was the first time we showed the world the true love we felt for each other. He was here, I could see him.

 _Victor. I see you. Please don't leave._

I imagined him skating alongside me. I didn't want this routine to come to an end because if it did; he would have to go.

 _Don't leave me._ I tried to grab him, to hold and never let him go.

The music began to fade, the routine was coming to an end. He was fading away. Tears spilt from my eyes as I finished my last jump. He was going, he smiled. It felt as though I could feel his soft kiss he planted on my head.

 _I love you._

Acceptance is hard. Me, trying to accept Victor's death is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm still trying- even to this day; ten months since his death. But I know I'll get there, I got my friends and my family, who will always be there for me. And Victor. He'll always be with me in my heart.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **Sooo, I finally finished it! I'm really happy with how it turned out; this final chapter was a lot longer than the others, but I felt like it tied up pretty well.**

 **I hope people have enjoyed reading this fic- I really enjoyed writing it.**

 **Please favourite and review; it means a lot to be able to read feed back.**

 **Also- keep an eye out for future fics of mine. I'm planning on continuing Ice Memories and I'm going to start a new fic soon.**

 **Thank You so much if you have read the fic 3**


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